This is it, Pansit!

This week is a roller coaster ride. One moment, I see glimmers of hope; another moment, I see blurry visions of death.

Last week, I got really ill. A childhood disease came back to haunt me but it's not suppose to because once you've had it, you're suppose to have a life-long immunity from it. So there I was wondering what's up? I'm not too stressed out at work so it must be something else. I wished it was just stress but a bad feeling was boiling inside me. I knew right away. I just knew it.

For the first time in many years, I walked into a chapel. As I kneeled and closed my eyes, tears flowed incessantly; it was so horrifying. I asked for forgiveness and for another chance. But I knew I already had so many chances before but I just blew them all away.

Sunday. It was almost impossible for me to sleep. I planned to go to San Lazaro to be tested the following day. My guts told me I'm positive. I was already sure about it; I haven't been as saintly as I hoped to be.  Even if I had been practicing safe sex 99 out of 100 but there was still that one stupid mistake.

Monday. I went out of bed very early. I took a long warm shower hoping it would help me a bit. My heart was pounding like crazy. I tried all I could not to be persuaded by fear to just stay. I had to be tested - now or never!

So I dragged myself to the LRT and while in the train, there was only one word in my mind - positive. It was a scary thought but it was all I could think of. I almost smiled thinking that maybe I was just reversed-psyching myself but then another voice said, "Who are you kidding?"

At the clinic, I told the lady at the registry that I wanted to be tested right away. The lady asked if I were ready and I nodded. I went down to the lab and the nurse took a blood sample from my finger. I went back upstairs for my pre-test counselling which I've pretty much researched already the night before. I don't know which was worse, looking at the horrible illustrations or waiting for my result which felt like it was taking forever!

Twenty minutes later, the results came in. I am HIV-1 positive. Yes, another case for the statistics. It didn't feel like news to me anymore when I heard about it - I already knew. My guts knew. My heart knew. Every single cell in my body knew. I could feel it inside me.

Now, where do I go from here?